Pillow talk

Pillow talk . pic for poem

 

that young man still visits me

in dreams and the haunts of insecurity

wherein I am needy and fearful and seek

a hand to take me, a gesture to reassure

that there is a safe place out there

where I will not be mocked or measured

and made to cry

the ghost of my father’s taunts

are the lingering death rattles of his demons

unleashed again to dominate and destabilise the line

my hapless chromosomes, the links and nerves

of my cradled brain all set to fuse –

how incredible that I am saddled

even as my own light goes dim

with the furies my father deliberately laid down

so today I fight to be complete and rummage

in the box of my component parts – looking

hoping to find a ‘peace’ of sorts

and hand it down to my own sons

expressions

expressions . pic for poem

 

how could we ever inhabit

the dictionary of small

with all those timid fears acting

as blocked thoroughfares  – One Way routes

 

however we slept in daylight with a cloak

like a shroud around our premonitions

issuing back and forth –  stale breath

it’s noxious presence a great barrier to intercourse

 

how in truth were we ever to

alight upon the path that would

lead to enlightenment when darkness was clearly in the lead

and we, poor seconds, were merging on the page

 

this book is hardly ever opened for fear

that truth will shred the barest optimism

and send us back into the corner of a room

to solitude and certainty that second best will do

another hospital visit

Another hospital visit. pic

 

love lies bleeding

yes, I’ve said that before

but the internal wounds

they slice at hope

shape misery, that growing thing

as it mutates – a lava lamp of swelling gloom

wherein light casts little

by way of illumination

and all the little things

others may say and try to do

amount to nought

because inside thoughts collide

with doom – an intractable slide away

into an awful fairground

where light and noise crackle and spit

dodgems bump, grind

internal organs slither

and laughter once evoked by the ride

inverts and spills

lays down a tear

reflected in psychedelic light

blood red

a premonition in an anti-septic room

before the lights go out

as if

Barbie dolls

 

 

they needed permission to be exuberant

repression and prejudice joyously exposed

flaunts publicly in the face of all that approbrium

and dances in the streets

of a capital city alive – stripped of the nods and winks

the brothers and sisters and in-betweeners

make a riot in plain sight

the anarchy of self evident truths

rituals and history unstitched to reveal

reality made to lurk in the mainstream

a marching band with glitter and horns

tattoos and stencils, face- paint and flamboyance

defiantly, brazenly, a baby suckling at a breast

the  parade polishing itself as it progresses

a serpent in a rainbow that pulses and says

look at me

a flexed, honed torso wearing only a gold posing pouch

and on his head a fan of barbie dolls

next to him a woman – the two of them – an exhibit

a romance in a cameo of the human race

everywhere the promise of a crescendo

and nowhere the commonplace

this then a reflection of everything we can ever hold dear

the many questions and troubled faiths conjoined

as if

Start me up

Start me up. pic

 

 at first light untrammelled by fear

the first thought, that fragile thing

is wary in the unfolding moments

before the day expands

into a precious arc like a fisherman’s net,

cast wide;

and it should always be an optimistic sweep

of eyes not yet occluded by doubt

limbs not yet bothered by gravity

and a heart willing to pump

fresh energy to gather-up

the mornings catch

Anony – Mouse ( party animal )

Light and shape

 

lost on the fringes of a tumult

the hot air rising as a shroud

above contagion

this party is a swarm that I apparently

am-a-part-of

though that ( my imaginary friend )

is problematic because

though I am invisible my head is telling me quite the reverse

that I throb amongst them  –  a lighthouse

intermittently spraying light upon their gathering

inviting comments yet somehow repelling them too

I am anti-matter

words drown in me as I suck at pleasantries

my teeth elide with one another in a rictus, not a smile

engaging with yet another co-reveller

who senses in me the genus of a germ

airborne, not entirely dangerous

but worth, well

worth avoiding

and this my ( imaginary ) friend

is just the start

even before intoxication alters the scales

and my paranoia settles in, warming to the task

of further reducing me – as a chef would a sauce

to the point where I am piquant

an offering so humbled I would prefer

to be quite simply elemental

and rest in a heavenly quiet

that becomes a prophecy

and then like air

be gone

.. to take a leap of faith

Boys at play

 

beyond

imagine it. just beyond

the fledgling on a ledge

deep space beyond and more

that miasma of fear which constricts

every tissue and fibre and

unknowable thing

from taking a leap of faith

 

brother, sister, mother, father, friend

watch over me for I am one

who knows how it feels to stall mid-flight

at that precipice

and court the most unholy thoughts

to allow any manner of darkness in

but in my heart and in my soul

I know I am here because

the ones before me took that leap

they loved me

and I will honour them

Derision

Derision. pic

‘it’s beautiful’,  he said

from the bottom of the wishing well

his eyes, intent, squirming

to find light and  traces of form

for a way out, a clue. A shape revealed.

A helix. An escape. An easy win

like the numbers on a lottery ticket

yet always they seem so distant

so not palpable. Fathoms below and miles above

 they are treasures of the rainbow. Ephemera.

 

And so he went on saying things

clutching at all forms of optimism

knowing that in truth he was going blind

as the bets were lost

All belief, beggared and lost in shallows

the words just backward utterances. Infarcts.

The light going skinny, malnourished to a fade

so grey and white that winter would muscle in

even into this empty spring

from which, when he looked up

he saw death with petals in his eyes

and the earth, a crust at their rims

So many scattered things

Shock in Awe

Writers pique. Photograph

 

He spoke to me of grace

and said it was ‘second hand’

 

I found that hard to understand

when words came so easily

 

The air he used he said ‘was spent’

just turned and turned around

 

 like a soft breeze

that could threaten storms

 

and there I was, as if

in the presence of a prophet

 

Spell-bound in admiration

for a weaver of thoughts

 

but he just smiled and said’

‘It’s a wonderful thing’

 

and left me flailing

in an alphabet. Like a dope.

Wash day

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

that beauty would be given shine

a rosary, an oath. The sheen on time

Each day rising through veils

so lazy blood is stirred to acknowledge life

and daybreak comes with virtue

A guarantee that love will whisper

in your ear, if you can find some harmony

some gentle way to deal with pain

and wrap your heart around the fear

that threatens to constrict the flow of blood

which surges in a questioning tide

all around

And all around

Begin again. Purge that fear

Accept the rhythm and go

barefoot repeatedly through the cycle

of light and dark

naked as your last thought