.. to take a leap of faith

 

beyond

imagine it. just beyond

the fledgling on a ledge

deep space beyond and more

that miasma of fear which constricts

every tissue and fibre and

unknowable thing

from taking a leap of faith

 

brother, sister, mother, father, friend

watch over me for I am one

who knows how it feels to stall mid-flight

at that precipice

and court the most unholy thoughts

to allow any manner of darkness in

but in my heart and in my soul

I know I am here because

the ones before me took that leap

they loved me

and I will honour them

The anatomy of moments (the first)

 

stars, the shards of a shattered universe

cry, tear drops on a canvas of dreams

we shall never inhabit for they are

just echoes of a time long dead

 

it is all I have

and I have known love

but it is still a gaping

sense of loss

 

my mother’s endless encouragement

a vapour now that she has gone

my wit, my charm, my accomplishments

just crumbs on a well worn floor

 

my love of poetry

an idolatry for the patterns words weave

is always moderated by an X-Ray

that filters through me

 

looking for scar tissue and wounds

that might build a case

for a better model

more robust in the ways of the world

 

but these moments are

refugees in a crisis of confidence

bound in nightmares to roam

in uncertainty

 

programmed to return

wanton with a savage lust

to rent and sunder

where sunlight would prefer to rest.

Ego a Go Go

 

I am the morsel

A chatter box, blah blah

I’ll have a laugh

Forget the past

Those days that are now in ruins

 

And tears still run

Still come to visit

At times that are not appropriate

They are just calling cards

Markers of doused flames

 

And now the mist lays down

When birdsong punctuates

Silence and blank thoughts

Which are pre-cursors

To another day in flight

To Declan. (my surgeon)

My shoulders rounded, I am hunched

As instructed

Facing away from a man

With sharp steel in his hand

The cold eye of that needle

Contains unsentimental fluid

Poised and loaded with the logic

That will take me away

Before long I am gone

Off into a prayer

My ignorance all wrapped

In total and utter surrender

There could be bird-song

For I am tethered to air

Or the soft parting of warm lovers lips

I am gone

Take me and render me

Your clinical skills

Your cold hearted craft

Are now beyond natural law

Get over it

Get over it

 

I am the hole in my entirety

A doubt in the mass of humanity

 

Each breath I take, a rehearsal

For another crack at dismal

 

I am tension in taught wires

A cough in the orchestra pit

 

All of me spot-lit and disappearing

In simpering pools of shame

 

On some well trodden stage

Flecked with dust and grease paint

 

The motes of haunted fabric

Gauzy in the lights

 

And I wait

For somebody to find me out

 

A specialist of the shadows

A spectre of the show

 

To heckle

And shout my name.

You

 

Not lost. Not yet

Not still, one voice

But the eyes on the soul

Are listening

And from this the change may come

 

From the many dwellings

A troubled mind inhabits

Only the promise of a cacophony

Will spoil the view

And guarantee a war

 

Hostages may be the prize in battles

But internal feuds

Feed on the choicest victim

For mercy is a distant flag

That flutters behind the walls of shame

 

Own up to the one small voice

In stillness. The mute salute

A call that circles out beyond

Everything that scares you

Embrace it all and bring it home.